Secrets
by Celtic Pixie
Summary: COMPLETED!Kylo and Rey share a drink and some secrets amongst each other, some of those may be more surprising than others
1. Chapter 1

Confessions

" _The shortest distance between two people is a story."_ ― **Patti Digh**

.

..

 _It's cold on Ahch-To as night draws, but the fire keeps her warm. She has a blanket draped over her shoulders for added comfort; it's gaunt and thread bear, but this is better than sleeping outside again with nothing._

 _Sitting across from her is Kylo Ren – err, Ben Solo._

 _Though he isn't physically here, Rey still sees him clear as day. She cannot see his surroundings, just as he cannot see hers; she only sees him, and he only see her. He is as real to her, at this moment, as she is to him. Sometimes she looks at just the fire in front of her as the flames heat her body but other times she is looking across from where she sees and see stares at him. The flames reflect in his eyes._

 _Rey felt the pull towards the darkness. She felt it when she trained with Luke Skywalker, when she shut her eyes and reached out with her feelings, and she found that dark pit. She went to that dark pit. And then she fell. Deeper, and deeper, and deeper, until she was swimming in an underground cave. Then there was a mirror, or reflective glass. Confused, yet desperate for answers, Rey asked it a question; about her parents. But the mirror did not give her what she was seeking. Instead, she saw an outline of someone else she may have thought she recognized, only for it to fade away into a reflection of herself._

 _That was not what she had hoped._

 _When she sits here with Kylo, she is telling him everything. And he's listening. There are tears in her eyes when she says to him, "I've never felt so alone," because she has already told him everything else._

 _There is a beat, in which she hears herself take a breath, and then; "You're not alone."_

 _Rey lifts her head, and the two force users make eye contact. She almost smiles just there but she doesn't; she is still saddened from before, but something in Kylo's tone is comforting. She tells him, "Neither are you," and she refers to the darkness he surrounds himself with; that blackness he is allowing to consume his heart, thinking he is good for nothing else._

 _She decides to extend a hand to him. Her fingers flex, stretching outward. Kylo is hesitant but he secretly longs for that taste of human comfort. It has been a long time. Somewhere, on the other side of the galaxy, as he sits alone in his quarters, Kylo Ren removes his glove and extends his hand towards Rey._

Rey accepts the whiskey bottle from him and takes a drink; the saccharinity is there, and the burn is the same as before, and she only coughs once this time. The liquid goes down her throat with more ease. She still wipes at her mouth with the back of her hand and her tongue laps up any drops still clinging to her lips. Rey held the bottle out in front of her once more, just now realizing there was an absence of labeling, decided to take another small sip, before passing off the bottle to Kylo.

When the darksider took up the whiskey, his helping was slightly more, and he seemed more than eager to lap up any remaining speckles on the corners of his mouth. The sweet burn was just what he needed. Rey, in the meantime, had snatched a grape from the food tray and popped it into her mouth. She handed him a slice of red apple; fruits such as apples, and even grapes, weren't a commodity on a Star Destroyer; mostly steaks, chickens, the occasional pasta, and even some wine. The Deltron spice wine was preferred, which could also be used as an ingredient for cooking; Kylo had a knack for cooking, but force help it if anyone in the First Order knew such a secret. Maybe that is why he was always so picky about what he ate; the food was either too course for his palate or underdone.

So of course, when offered the apple slice, the darksider inspected it, turning it over in his hand at least a few times, and enough for Rey to query _Have you never had apples before?_ And for Kylo to shake his head; "Well, not that I can recall. I might have…when I was younger…but I forget the taste." He took a miniscule nibble. She sat by while he decided if he liked the taste and after a second or so, his eyes suggested the apple was agreeable to him, so he had himself a second, bigger sample.

"They didn't have apples in the First Order?"

"No. Nothing like fruits or even vegetables," he handed over the whiskey, and she took a swig, "but we had plenty of alcohol. Wines, liquors—that sort of thing. I need my drink to be smooth and flavorful."

"Somehow, this doesn't shock me."

"Hmm, and what would?" He took the whiskey back after another slice of apple. He nursed the bottle in his lap, his hand wound around the neck of it. "I'm sure you've seen copious amounts of things to shock you." She opened her mouth to speak, but closed it promptly, and left the beginnings of a smirk on Kylo's face. "Tell me one."

"Why am I even having this conversation with you?"

"Because you secretly appreciate my company— "he extended the whiskey, "—and I have this, which you seem to be liking as well." He knew she had no argument with him there, not when she grabbed for the bottle and just perhaps sipped off a little more than she had before. "So, tell me another secret. Tell me, and I might tell you one of mine. And no lying."

"Ha! I don't have any secrets."

"That's a lie."

Rey's mouth hung open, and then her lips pursed outwards; she knew Kylo had her on that one.

"I will start." Another swig of whiskey; the bottle was near empty; drat—this was going to be a long night, and he might be needing some more liquid encouragement. "I think I was four or five at time. I walked through the kitchen and saw what I _thought_ was a glass of juice. So, I snatched it from the counter and chugged it down. Only, it wasn't juice…"

"Oh no," Rey chortled. "Well, I suppose it is my turn yes?" He nodded. Well, alright then. She took the whiskey from him. "Hmmm." She took into considering anything she might have remembered prior to be abandoned on Jakku but she was young at the time – about five, she'd guesstimate – so any recollection prior would be fuddled. But once she thought of something, she said, "I once stole an extra ration from Unkar Plutt when his back was turned."

"Who is Unkar Plutt?"

"He was, or _is_ – I don't know what became of him, but he's probably still there – a junk boss who bought weapons, gears, and scraps of Rebel and Imperial ships that crashed during the Battle of Jakku. My par—" Rey swallowed the tears that had begun to spring to her; the former scavenger had made her peace with the notion that her parents were 'filthy junk traders' – as Kylo called them, "—my parents left me with him, probably when I was five or six, I think."

"It is a wonder you managed to survive that place at all."

"Barely. I got ill once. Uncared for, I probably would have died. I know _he_ didn't care. Thankfully, one other scavenger did."

"Luckily for you."

"Yes." She paused, also thinking of another memory. "I escaped from him in the Millennium Falcon. He traced me to Takodana, where, well, where _you_ found me. He physically assaulted me. I attempted to fight back…"

"Did you kill him?"

Rey blinked, "Did I…what?"

"Kill him. No one would have faulted you if you had."

"W-wha…NO! No, I didn't kill him! Not everything has to be solved by killing things, Ben."

"He would have deserved it." The next swig he took was more of a small sip. "For the record, I would have killed him."

"Oh, I know you would have."

She isn't wrong; had someone dared to lay a hand on Kylo, like they had Rey, whoever it was would have been dead on the spot.

"I hope you know that I would never raise a hand to you."

Rey nearly choked. "No," she pointed, "just paralyze me, knock me out, strap me to a chair, try to invade my mind—and what was it you said to me? I can just take what I want," her voice sounded slightly mocking him just then, "Oh, and you nearly killed one of my friends! You may never have raised a hand to me but everything you HAVE done was so much worse!" Realizing her voice was rising, and there were likely people trying to sleep, Rey exhaled sharply; seizing the bottle from Kylo, she was all too happy to finish off the whiskey. She displayed dissatisfaction. "Let's not overlook how you killed your own father!"

Kylo lost his temper just then. No, he didn't assault her. He could have. His right hand had already been made into a tight fist. But he did not strike. Instead, his fist went just past her head and he slammed his opened palm against the wall. His face, dangerously close to her own, shifted into a cavernous glare. Rey was breathing hard, almost as hard as Kylo was; his breath was blasting on her face like an acrimonious wind.

"Yeah, right…" her voice was low, scarcely above a whisper; she trembled a little, just now, though she made a cognizant effort to not show so, "never raise a hand to me? Ben, you are lying to me. I thought we agreed not to lie?"

"We did," he answered. After a beat, in which he took the pause to get his breathing back under control, Kylo recoiled his hand and sat back, "and I'm not. I have done horrible, appalling things….and I can't take them back. Not ever. Striking you is not something I will add to that list. I've never even—" He stops himself then. It has nothing to do with the fact he doesn't know what to say – oh, he does – but something in him seems nervous, dare say afraid, to reveal anything.

"Never even…" Rey began, showing her inquisitiveness in the shine of her eyes, "…what?"

"Well, you know…known a woman…"

"Known a woman?" She looked at him like she was look at something else she hadn't understood. But she thought about it, and then the look in her eyes changed as she realized. "You mean…sexually-you've never slept with anyone have you?"

"N-no."

She was surprised by this, even more so when she asks, "Well, have you ever, you know...touched yourself before?"

"Yes." He was deadpanned in his delivery. And took note how the heat was rising, slowly, in Rey's face. "What about you? That Dameron guy is... kind of nice I guess..."

Yeah, he is, and Poe might oblige is she-

Rey's mouth droops open, just ever so slightly. It was a surprise to her. Scrupulously, she undoubtedly wouldn't have supposed it had he told her any other time. She would have presumed entirely contradictory of what he told her. Not only does she realize her mouth still hangs agape, but her heart has started beating much harder than it was before, and she feels unusually warm. Her belly is aching.

The young woman, barely older than nineteen years of age, pushes Kylo away from her with such vigor that he is forced to steady himself against the cot so that he does not fall. He watches her leave, just as quickly as she had once entered.

He feels guilt. Shame. Embarrassment.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note** – I always planned on my fic Confessions being a two-shot as opposed to a one-shot. Over on AO3, it's part of a series called Rey of Hope. With how I ended part one, I knew, or kind of had an idea, of how I wanted to lead into part two. Oh! I was totally jamming out to Jason Aldean's Burnin' it Down and Westlife's Unbreakable when I wrote this :)

Admissions

" _It is more than love, barely less than madness. It's never close enough."_ -C.J. Carlyon

.

..

She must have voyaged these corridors many, many times, but surprisingly had difficulty getting back to her quarters once leaving Kylo's; and at least he was fortunate enough to be alone, unlike Rey, who shared her living space with the technician Rose, a woman the light side user still knew almost nothing about. Except for the fact she snored and moved around a lot in her sleep. Fortuitously for Rey, and dissimilar to herself, the technician was a considerably heavier sleeper. She blamed her once deplorably conditions of Jakku; the afternoons were dripping heavy with uncomfortable humidity and unforgiving heat, but the evenings would get frigid and trying to sleep on the unpolished metal of a dilapidated AT-AT with very little to keep her warm was nowhere near the idyllic living conditions; and on Ahch-To, still, Rey may or may not have had a small handful of non-restless nights.

Rey pressed herself against the wall, just on the other side of the door, once back in her quarters. This is where she stands for a good while. She sees Rose sleeping quite peacefully on one of the cots. And then her eyes traversed to her own not too far away. It would be too easy for her to wake Rose and then spend the rest of their evening in secret, chatting away about boys, and about unexpected feelings. But she was not of the sort; she didn't have much in common with Rose to begin with, and the two hardly spent time getting to know one another so she couldn't really see them having long chats.

No, Rey could figure this – whatever _this_ was – out on her own. Normally she'd be able to face just about anything, even when she was uncertain of something. But not this. At the peak moment of gallantry, Rey of Jakku was the very definition of cowardly. Why did she have to run? It wasn't like Kylo was trying to hurt her. No. What was it then? Well, if she were to stand there long enough to think about it, she'd say the darksider had admitted to her something of clandestineness. Something he hadn't told anyone else. Only her.

Rey was feeling quite warm. Almost too warm. There was a fire burning in her belly. A heat bubbling between her legs. It was new. And foreign. She began to go there. To that place where she felt the heat. Before she realized what she was doing, at the fact she presumed her own body was betraying her, Rey could feel something wet between her fingers. She pulled her hand back; alarmed and frightened. What she needs to do is shed her clothing, crawl into her bed, and sleep for many, many hours.

But even as she treks across the small floor to her bed, Rey's thoughts are disturbed by a sound she hears coming from behind her. Though it doesn't even completely dawn on her – err, she might not have recognized it – until the wrappings covering her breasts are hanging loosely at her waist. A light breeze hits her just then. It feels good and helps to cool the heat between her legs.

Then she hears her name being called; "Rey?" The scavenger barely has a second to conceal herself before completely turning her body. Her bunk mate has woken. She didn't know if it was something she had done, or if Rose hadn't _really_ been sleeping at all when Rey walked herself in.

"Oh, Rose, I-I didn't mean to wake you," she was painfully aware how her voice sounded when she was stammering, and she was not meaning to in the slightest, but she also feels like any child would when getting caught.

Rose Tico is her name. She knows this because she oversaw Finn nursing her to health since the moment they were onboard the _Falcon_ ; Rey practically forced the former Storm Trooper to reveal this woman's name. A small part of her may have been jealous then…but now…

The technician shoots a tired gaze over her shoulder. "I heard you moaning. Loudly," she says, and doesn't even try to stifle her yawn. "Are you hurt?"

"No. I'm fine," Rey says; an obvious lie, "Go back to sleep."

Rey is grateful once Rose returns to sleep.

She strips off her clothing, pooling it at her feet. Stepping out of it, she briefly shutters as the air catches her naked body. This is somewhat lessoned when she tugs on a nightgown supplied to her by General Organa. Though she scurries herself under the thin sheet, Rey doesn't find sleep right away. She lays there staring at the ceiling. And she begins to ponder. At first, it is nothing. But then she realizes that she is traveling to that dark place again, that coiling heat between her legs.

Rey starts moaning again. But this time, she slaps a hand over her mouth before she starts getting too loud. Maybe she should just sleep. Yes. Of course. If she shuts her eyes and forces herself to get some sleep, she'll be distracted enough that she won't be thinking about that burning sensation. The undeniable pleasure. Force be damn! She starts thinking of Kylo again, and of what he told her. She realizes that it's getting to her. No— _had_ already gotten to her. She is dripping with anticipation.

She looks over to where Rose sleeps; the technician is once again out cold, and peacefully snoring. Rey decides for herself, just then. When she slips out of bed, she is light on her feet, as she leaves the quarters and beelines to the left for Kylo's room.

..

..

 _They stand together in the elevator; they do not speak, not right away, and she is standing just a few feet in front of him with her wrists bound together at her waist. He doesn't tell her of his frustration and displeasure. While he is secretly thrilled to see her, the timing could be better. She must know, as he did, that Snoke could kill her without a second thought. He could kill Kylo._

 _Rey schools her features well; she is terrified, but it doesn't show. "You don't have to do this," she says, nearly deadpanned, but with the slightest hint of emotion she did allow through. She shoots a look just over her left shoulder. "I can feel the conflict in you. It's tearing you apart." The scavenger turns her body fully, so she now faces him, and she calls out his name – his_ true _name. He looks at her, and his eyes look sad. "When we touched hands, I saw your future. Just the shape of it but solid and clear."_

 _Kylo breathes slowly._

" _You will not bow before Snoke," she tells him as she takes a step forwards. "You'll turn." Then her voice drops in a soft whisper; Rey might be slightly ashamed when her eyes fully take in a beautiful view of his entire six-foot three profile. "Ben…I'll help you."_

 _He knows just then that he feels a heat rising in his blood. This is a similar feeling to that night on Ahch-To when they sat across from each other with just a fire between them. There was something chaste and romantic about it that didn't occur to him until he was alone again in his room._

" _I saw something too," he tells her, "and I know because of what I saw that when the time comes, you'll be the one to turn."_

 _He didn't know what she saw; she didn't know what he saw. But he is sure of one thing: Rey stands with him. It is what his heart is secretly longing for._

Kylo isn't asleep for long. When he wakes, he breathes deeply before dragging his hands over his face. He takes in several cringeworthy seconds of staring at the ceiling. Thinking of nothing. Well, not nothing. He sees _her_ face. The face of the scavenger who is forever implanted into his mind. Her face burns there like a fire; that white-hot flame searing into his brain.

He swings his legs over the edge of the cot as he sits up. Kylo puts his face in his hands again, this time sighing deeply. Right now, he'd give anything to not be thinking about Rey. His efforts, however, prove to be in vein. Kylo feels it, just then; that slight pull in the force. That nagging feeling in the back of his mind. It's fuzzy at best but filled with warmth. He knows it's coming from Rey.

Kylo brings himself to his bare feet, and padding across the floor to the door. The darksider pauses. He knows what lies beyond. When his hand touches the door panel, and the door hisses open, they stand there staring at each other.

In what feels like forever, neither speak. It is just a small moment in which Rey is breathing quicker, and Kylo's pulse quickens. She finally steps inside, and he closes the door once she has passed him. Rey stops walking as soon as she reaches his bed, and then she turns. She exhales softly. It's hard not to continue staring at him; her eyes moving up and down over his body. He stares, his gaze questioning, and a silence passes between the force users.

Kylo isn't one for long, uncomfortable silences; "So, are you just going to stand there…. or…. or is there something I can help you with?" He was out of alcohol, and sober, and there was no food left.

Normally not one to just not say anything, she did open her mouth to speak, only to purse her lips like a fish, suck them in, then let her eyes wander downwards. There is a fraid string of silky fabric just hanging there. Loosely. She begins toying with it; a distraction, she tells herself. It means avoiding looking at him. At those eyes.

He wasn't trying to read her just then, but he didn't have to to know that something was amiss. Kylo closes the distance between them, until he is towering over her, and he's lifting her head up with a well-placed hand underneath her chin. The darksider stares achingly into her hazel eyes. There was a stillness that passed between them, in which he took the chance to brush the underside of his thumb across her cheek. Her eyes were beginning to glisten just then.

He knows his heart is beating harder as he would expect it to, especially when he seizes a chance to calmly press his lips against Rey's. He doesn't know why he does it; maybe, something in the back of his mind was always begging for him to kiss those lips. He's almost expecting her to step back from him. To slap him across his face. He would probably deserve nothing less. But she doesn't. She responds to him in kind, and steps further into his body until her hands are lifted to the curve of his hips. And her fingers bring feathery light touches over his skin. It brings a warm, sensual feeling to Kylo's heart.

He always wondered what a first kiss would feel like. With someone he genuinely had feelings for. He would probably give her his whole heart if she only asked. Maybe not before, but definitely now. Kylo was almost disappointed in himself when he broke the kiss. He thumb caught a tear that escaped Rey's eyes. It broke him to see her crying.

"I've wanted to do that for so long," he admitted in a breathless undertone. He leaned in to press a kiss to her forehead but was taken aback, almost dismayed, when she leaned her head back. He looked hurt. He wondered if maybe he had done something wrong.

But then Rey was reaching for the strings of her nightgown, and she tugged at the, and the entire gown swooped down her body; it pooled at her feet, and there she stood completely stark naked. The temperature in Kylo's blood skyrocketed. His hand dropped from her face.

Admittedly, Kylo did sweep his eyes up and down her naked body, once, but surprisingly, he was shaking his head at her; "Rey—" he pauses, his voice caught up, "—are you sure? I'm not really sure myself…"

"Yes." Her right hand lifts to press against the side of his face. "I want you, Ben…all of you…"

"I don't want to hurt you. I've already done too much. Rey, I'll never forgive myself."

Rey shakes her head. "You won't. I trust you. I'm just as inexperienced, but we can figure this out…together." She lifts herself up to place a gentle, chaste kiss on his lips. "Make love to me, Ben…"

While maintaining eye contact, Rey brings her hands around to his front and slowly undoes the clasps holding his pants up waist high. She pushes them down his legs. He steps out of them as she stands again. His heart is thrashing against his ribcage when they look into the face of the other. There is a small beat between them before it is Kylo who breaks, long enough for him to remove his underwear. They're both standing naked in front of each other, and each take the opportunely to visually investigate the other's body.

He takes a slight risk – though at this point, he doubts he'd could call it one – and touches her breast; his thumb runs over the smooth skin, and then traces a small line around it.

Kylo lifts her up.

As he lays her down on his cot, and positions himself over her, it appears she is crying again, and he briefly wonders if she might be changing her mind. But she doesn't. He presses a kiss to her forehead, and then to her nose, and he brings his lips to hers. She kisses him back with subtle, equal passion, and her hands are touching his body. Rey is shaking. She is both terrified and wanting at the same time.

He slowly begins to take his lips and explore other parts of her body. They traverse from her mouth, to her chin, the pulse point of her neck – that beats rapidly against his lips – to her breasts, and he spends a good deal amount of time there, then down her torso, and finally to her hips. Rey trembles when his mouth briefly touches her sex, and she doesn't shy about the moan escaping her throat. She becomes aware that it's Kylo Ren that is kissing her there. But she doesn't mind; she wants this. She wants him. He also trembles, out of fear; either, because he's just as new to this as she is or petrified that he could hurt her. And that, for him, would be worse than being absolutely horrible at this.

Kylo lifts his head, and he's looking into Rey's eyes again. And he's already hard. He takes her hips and starts position himself, and her, in such a way where he's directly over her womanhood, but he doesn't enter her just yet. She can feel him touching her, down there, and she trembles a little with fear; she doesn't know what she is to expect out of this. Oh, he hopes he is doing this right.

He pushes into her, slowly, at first, and _oh_ – tears spring to her eyes; there's the pain – and he almost recoils when he sees this, but Rey's hands are guiding themselves over his backside, and she draws him in even further until he is nestled deep inside her. She gasps, and something analogous to a pained whimper escapes her. Kylo is already worried. He's hurt her. They haven't even started, and he's hurt her. He freezes. He doesn't know if he should continue. Rey bites down a bit on her bottom lip but ultimately forces Kylo's hand. When she starts to move, because she is thinking she probably should, he begins a small, light series of thrusts.

Kylo finds her lips and starts kissing her again. She circles her arms around him, her hands grasping at his shoulder blades. He presses his hands against the cot as if for good enough leverage. No one had really explained the concept of sex to him, so he feels like a bumbling fool right now, but he does his best none the less with what he assumes he's supposed to be doing.

He thrusts again, and maybe he's a little too quick about the second, or the third time. He doesn't know enough to take his time. He never had anyone tell him what making love is supposed to be like. But it isn't very long at all before he's feeling a tight, heated coil in the pit of his belly. And Rey, she doesn't quite recognize what this feeling in her abdomen is. He only can explain his feeling because he's touched himself before; he doesn't think that his bed partner has. He knows what is next.

Kylo is staring into her endless eyes when his release comes; she is inexperienced, and doesn't know what she should be feeling, but whatever it is, between her legs, sends her mind on a bridge of pure ecstasy. Rey is still trembling, but Kylo smooths a hand over her forehead, and he presses a kiss to hers. He doesn't quite pull out of her, not just yet, not unless his body stops its tremors. Kylo is still panting, as is Rey, when he finally recoils himself from her.

She cradles his head to her chest in such a protective gesture, her fingers winding through his hair. He is still allowing his breathing to calm. His chest rattles so hard. Both force users are spent. He listens to her heartbeat as it pounds; it perfectly mirrors his own but helps to calm himself down. Rey presses a gentle kiss to the top of his head as he grasps a hand to her shoulder.

When at last he lifts his head, and Kylo is staring softly, and then says, "So, that's what sex is like," He kisses just above the swell of her breasts. "I like it."

She gives a chuckle. "I did too, though I should have participated more."

"I think you did fine," He pressed a feathery light kiss to the underside of her chin, "though I have no frame of reference to tell you differently. I don't know how I did. Was I alright for you at least? I wasn't…. bad?"

"You were fine," she reassured him, smoothing her fingers over his mane of hair. "That thing…you did with your mouth…"

Kylo shrugged. "I just wanted to kiss you there."

She smiled and met his lips in a kiss. Despite his much taller body frame, Rey manages to get enough leverage to put him on his back. Kylo is momentary surprised by this, but is silenced, before he can say anything, when she kisses him again. This time, she is sitting directly on his hips. His hands find their way to hers just as he feels himself start to get hard again.

"I bet you if we try again," she starts, "we can get better…"

He couldn't agree more.


End file.
